Saturday, January 21, 2012

My Patience Has Left The Building

This post has been building for a while. Had I written it several weeks ago, it might have been a "oh, those silly pet peeves" funny kind of thing. Now it's really grating on me though.

I have lost my patience for people who think their world is crashing down. The sympathy and sometimes empathy I could muster up for these people has completely left the building.

There are two main factors here. The first is that my baby will not eat a normal diet. She's the third kid, I'm not an inexperienced parent and there are medical professionals involved. This isn't picky eating, and it means she is up at least every 2 hours all night long to get sufficient calories in. I don't feel like going into details and explanations, so suffice it to say she's up all night long. She's been up all night long her whole life. Again, 3rd baby, this is not just a "we're too stupid to get the baby to sleep and eat" thing. The point here is that while I am eternally grateful for her health and how easy we have it, the sleep deprivation has hit mind numbing levels. Literally. My brain wants 9 hours of sleep a night and it hasn't had it in a very very long time. So I just don't have the mental fortitude to deal with a whole lot of absurdity right now.

The second, and much more important, factor is that my best friend's 3 year old son died seven weeks ago. He's gone. She would give anything to listen to another tantrum, to clean up a mess he made, to stress over getting two kids to their various activities, to be sleep deprived because he needed her rather than because she misses him.

I recognize that I can only control myself. I own that my frustration is my problem. I flailed around for a little while wondering WHY this frustration was building and I've settled on these two factors. The sleep deprivation primed me for the frustration, but losing Max was a turning point in my tolerance level. Unfortunately, I can't really do anything about either factor, so I'm left with venting for the time being.

I just don't have it in me right now to deal with anyone else's utter lack of perspective. There is so much hand wringing and made up drama as if the world is crashing down when it's not. That's it. I'm tired of hearing about mundane BS accompanied by much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I expect it from my 4 and 7 year old, not from adults.

We get up with our kids, we solve many small catastrophes, we clean up messes, we take them places, we fix their boo-boos, we put them to bed and hope they stay there. Sometimes they get sick or hurt or fight with their siblings. These are not problems. They're life.

Many of us live a charmed existence with a roof over our heads, food to feed our children, clothes to cover them with, the means to educate them. It's somehow become a big problem to not have a smart phone or DVR or new car or the money to eat out at restaurants. The lack of these things is not a problem. It's (still very fortunate) life.

If someone says the wrong thing to you or doesn't say the right thing to you it is not a sign that the world is out to get you and you have been abused beyond all measure. It's life.

It's all life. Everyone has one and A LOT of people have been dealt an incredibly rough hand. It demeans and marginalizes those people to fixate on perceived problems that are really just part of life. I don't think the people doing this are malicious, but they are so focused on themselves that I do wonder if they've taken the time to look up, look around, and take stock of what other people are going through. To gain just a little bit of perspective.

Again, I realize that the insane level of frustration I'm feeling over this is MY problem. I wish I could be more understanding. I probably spend more time than I should trying to understand where someone is coming from so that I can appreciate what they're saying even if I don't agree with it. I have no patience for this right now though. I have several people around me who have very difficult life situations to deal with and they do it with grace and with very little complaint. Seeing these situations has made me appreciate how easy, how good, my life is and I just don't have it in me to watch them and all they handle and then turn around and listen to the fabricated hardship of people who have been blessed beyond all belief. I don't understand their lack of appreciation.

My patience has officially left the building.


Carolyn said...

<3 you K.
Big hugs.
Losing Max - words can't even describe how sucky that is. As hard as our road is starting to look with Connor, I try to appreciate every day that he is here with us, living and breathing. I can't have a conversation with him and it's looking doubtful that he will live independently as an adult, but as long as he's here, the possibility exists that we will get there. And that's an amazing gift. Thanks for the reminder.

My heart is heavy for V and for you.

One Acre Homestead said...

Thanks for the perspective and for sharing these words. I'm one who's guilty of sometimes getting frustrated by my kids fighting, etc., but to think of how blessed we are to have two beautiful children who are quite healthy makes those moments look trivial.

I can't imagine going this long on a newborn sleep schedule and I pray that those times between feedings will lengthen soon for both of you. Sending hugs and prayers your way and to Max's family. I can't imagine their pain and loss.


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